It’s been our experience at Walnut Avenue that when folks think about “activism,” they often imagine reorienting their whole lives to focus on a specific cause. It’s not entirely untrue: after all, activism starts with changing your perspective about something, thinking about it in ways that maybe you never have before and learning how to confront a part of ourselves which has contributed, whether knowingly and unknowingly, to a social norm that isn’t healthy.

But it’s not the whole story and it’s not entirely true, either. A better question to ask is, How can I incorporate activist work into my life using the means and resources I have access to?

Creating change is more successful over the long-term when it involves utilizing the skills, resources, and benefits you already have.

You don’t need to change careers and become an advocate to be a support person for survivors. You don’t need to have a formal degree, a large income, or meet some other kind of standard to be an effective agent towards change. There is no one correct way to be part of the work towards social change: social change takes input from people in all sorts of roles with all kinds of skillsets.

For more information about Domestic Violence Awareness Month more generally and the changes we’ve seen during the pandemic, check out part one of this blog post series here.

There’s more than one type of activism.

For every person doing direct service or every person out on the streets doing direct protest, there are ten more people doing work behind the scenes: providing safe childcare so people can go out and do their work, making sure food and shelter is available, offering medical aid or transportation, maintaining communications between people out doing service or protest, and so on.

Our advocates wouldn’t be able to do their jobs if they didn’t have other people out there providing trauma-informed mental health services, or helping survivors who were made houseless by the abuse find a safe place, or selling the groceries that stock a survivor’s pantry, or hosting opportunities for survivors to socially connect with other people about crafts they enjoy doing and fight the isolation of abuse.

We shouldn’t underestimate the value of someone willing to wash the dishes or watch after the kids for a while. Changing society takes time and collective effort, and we have to live our daily lives in the meantime. As support people, your willingness to show up in the so-called “smaller” ways for survivors can often make the difference between being able to access help and not.

It’s also worth pointing out that many of these “small things” which get downplayed in value are commonly associated with what society considers ‘feminine’ or ‘women’s work.’ That correlation isn’t an accident. When we’re also talking about gender justice and injustice, it’s crucial to be mindful of the assumptions we make about who does or doesn’t do certain kinds of chores. There’s a tongue-in-cheek saying in some community organizing circles that goes, “Sure, they know the theory, but do they wash the dishes?”

Domestic violence already impacts every area of life.

You don’t need to “go looking” for survivors at nonprofits, shelters, or courthouses. Domestic violence can be experienced by anyone or caused by anyone, which means that survivors and the people who cause them harm are also going to be our friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, and classmates. Domestic violence can just as easily come up in a knitting group or during a class project as it does at organizations like Walnut Avenue dedicated to the work.

This means that you can be as effective in the work to end domestic violence as an advocate who works full-time in crisis intervention. Learning more about the whys and hows of domestic violence and turning that knowledge into action in the places where you already live, work, and play:

Breaks down the false idea that domestic violence only exists in certain kinds of spaces and not others
Encourages people to shift their thinking about domestic violence from “someone else’s problem” to “a public health matter which impacts everyone”
Helps support people be more understanding of survivors’ realities and avoid common, well-intentioned mistakes

Activist Burnout

Because change takes time and collective effort, it can be demoralizing when you throw your energy and passion into a cause and see less difference than you had hoped for. When an activist burns out, they’re unable to continue participating in the push for change, and it can cause anger, bitterness, cynicism, and other painful emotions that permanently turn them off.

Being honest with yourself about your emotional and material resources is essential. Activism is about the long haul: instead of burning yourself out in a brilliant flash of a few big gestures, how can you sustainably maintain your glow over a longer period of time?

Check your capacity before throwing your energy behind the latest hashtags.

After the murder of George Floyd in May 2020, there was a large wave of popular engagement with racial justice. At the time, many experienced activists and community organizers cautioned people to be measured in their approach, that it would be more helpful for the cause in the long run for newcomers to be strategic and mindful in the actions they chose. Unfortunately, some of the momentum has lessened since then as newcomers burned out and had to take a step back.

The lesson of ‘pacing yourself’ according to your emotional and physical resources, however, applies across the board of social justice efforts. Nor do you have to be actively involved in every fight: be mindful of what you can offer and when, and be mindful of when you really do need time to refresh yourself.

Frame your activism in terms of compassion and shared well-being, not guilt.

Getting involved out of guilt not only burns people out faster, but it also encourages people to react from a place of defensiveness rather than compassion. Gender violence is inherently connected to other forms of violence, including violence based on race and ethnicity, disability, sexual orientation and queerness, and age. This interconnectedness means that everyone is impacted by all the different forms of violence, even if that impact looks different for people depending on who they are and their own lived experience. It’s more meaningful to frame our perspective on oppression not on guilt or as “other people’s problems” but as a fight for collective benefit. You can learn more about kyriarchy here.

Incorporating Gender Justice into Your Life

Start by learning more.

What is domestic violence and how do we recognize it? What’s the difference between an unhealthy relationship and domestic violence? Why does domestic violence impact masculine survivors differently from feminine survivors? Are there red flags that a person can look for when starting a new relationship? How do you support a loved one who’s experiencing abuse?

These are all important questions that rarely get discussed with both compassion and real-world data outside of domestic violence advocacy. We’re not born knowing the answers to these questions. Essential components for building healthy relationships, including emotional intimacy and boundary communication, aren’t usually taught in schools. And unfortunately, what “everyone knows” about domestic violence is often wrong.

There are many resources out there to get answers to these sorts of questions. One place to start is with Walnut Avenue’s online webinars, offered at no cost. Check them out here! You can also find some downloadable, informational handouts on our website.

Work on developing and refining some key interpersonal skills.

There’s a lot to learn not just about gender but also all the other ways that people exist in our world. It can get really overwhelming, really quickly! And how do you prioritize when it’s all relevant to people’s well-being?

No one is or can ever be an expert in understanding everything there is to know about different kinds of injustice. Instead of thinking of it in terms of ‘expertise,’ it’s more helpful (and much more humanly possible!) to think instead in terms of skills:

Being able to listen, even when you don’t agree, understand, or share the same lived experience.
Asking questions and speaking from a place of curiosity rather than defensiveness or superiority.
Understanding the differences between disagreement and a personal attack.
Understanding the differences between criticism and a personal attack and being able to receive criticism about your actions or words with grace and a willingness to change.

Find opportunities for conversation about gender and healthy relationships.

Evidence-based education is essential for shifting your own understanding, but change requires action, too. That can look like inviting other people to be part of your learning process:

Having book groups
Inviting friends to join you in educational webinars and having a conversation afterwards about what you learned
Disagreeing with a prejudice-based “joke” and using it as an opportunity to either establish a boundary around it (“I don’t want to be part of a group that thinks rape jokes are funny”) or encourage a conversation

Look around you and see what kinds of things you can change.

You might not be able to walk into Congress and enact sweeping policy changes all on your own, but you’re never powerless.

Examples with loved ones:

Learning and practicing communication skills that can be used in your relationships with friends, family, and partners: how to communicate and maintain personal boundaries, how to navigate conflict with mutual respect and care, etc
Learning about bystander intervention so that when you witness something happening out in public, or if a family member is behaving inappropriately at a gathering, you have tools for responding to the situation
Working with a partner or partners on how to share household responsibilities in a way that feels mutually balanced
Reaching out to a survivor in your life and just asking, “Hey, how can I help out?” When someone is coping with traumatic experiences and any of the financial, legal, or material fallout of domestic violence, never underestimate the relief that’s provided by someone being willing to watch the kids for an hour, bring over a cooked meal, or help with laundry.
If you have the resources to do so, offering money without judgment or attached strings directly to people with fewer resources. This can look like contributing to GoFundMe pages or committing to a reasonable monthly donation to a person or group whose work you want to support as part of your routine.
Developing [resource share networks] with your neighbors or community members

Examples in the workplace:

Keeping crisis cards stocked in all the bathrooms or a crisis number flyer posted in bathroom stalls
Talking with coworkers about how your staff should respond if a client, patient, or customer discloses that they’re in danger or experiencing abuse
Determining if your workplace has a policy about harassment and abuse and, if so, reviewing it (or finding help in reviewing it) to see if it’s actually effective
Practicing with yourself on what you would say or do if you witnessed harassment or abuse happening in your workplace

Examples in classrooms and youth spaces:

Having a crisis number posted where all youth are able to see it
Having guided conversations about domestic violence, healthy relationships, and sexual assault as those subjects come up in conversation, mainstream news, or class literature so that youth have some emotional tools and knowledge to contextualize what they’re hearing about
Having guided conversations about consent and bodily autonomy, even with younger children
Never assuming that a person’s age means that they wouldn’t have witnessed or experienced violence

Not sure how best to direct your efforts?

Walnut Avenue’s 24-hour domestic violence hotline is a resource available to allies and support people, too. Our advocates will help folks talk through how to help loved ones experiencing abuse, different options for safety, and also how to keep healthy personal boundaries so that they don’t burn themselves out as support.

You can also visit our awareness month page or contact our community engagement coordinator at mcoffey@wafwc.org for more.

From Our Teachers & Advocates

DVAM 2021, Part 2: Everyday Allyship