Dating violence can happen to anyone of any gender, sexual orientation, race or ethnicity, or any identity. It can also be caused by someone of any gender, sexual orientation, race or ethnicity, or any identity!

Teens are welcome to use any of our domestic violence services, including our 24-hour hotline at 1 (866) 269-2559. We do not need permission from parents or guardians. If you’re worried about mandated reporting, you can ask your advocate about whether or not they’re a mandated reporter and what that means so that you can decide what you do or don’t want to share.

Red Flags: Signs that something might be, could be, wrong. (Right?)

Red flags aren’t always obvious, especially if no one’s told you what to look for.

Red flags that your relationship might be abusive:

• They use your phone, email, or social media without permission.

• They are demanding or coercing you into sharing your passwords.

• They are putting you down through name-calling, belittling, insults, or harsh criticisms.

• They are pulling you away from your friends and family, such as guilt-tripping you for spending “too much time” with other people.

• You feel isolated or alone in your relationship.

• They have extreme jealousy and will blame you or guilt-trip you for it.

• They have explosive outbursts or a temper.

• They are physically harming you in any way, including shoving, kicking, hitting, slapping, punching, choking, or spitting at you.

• They’re acting possessive or controlling, such as telling you what you are or aren’t allowed to do.

• They are pressuring or forcing you to have sex.

• They are threatening to out you as LGBTQIA+.

• They throw things at or near you, or punch walls near your head.

• They put down your family or friends.

• They prevent you from leaving rooms.

• They threaten to hurt themselves to get you to stay, to control your behavior, or to punish you.

• They show up unwanted in person or repeatedly spam your phone with unwanted text messages and phone calls.

• They threaten to break up with you if you don't send nudes or sexts.

• They use social media to share unfavorable photos or videos of you, to spread rumors about you, to insult you, or to flirt or engage sexually with others publicly.

• You consistently feel nervous, on edge, or afraid around your partner, or you’re afraid to be left alone with them.

• You feel threatened, manipulated, or controlled.

• You are changing your behavior (such as how you dress, where you go, and who you see) to try to keep your partner happy or prevent them from getting angry with you.

• They are moving the relationship too quickly for you.

• You are afraid to express your own feelings, especially that of anger. 

• They have very traditional/stereotypical beliefs around gender. 

• You are not allowed to have space from them.

Red flags that you may be acting abusively:

• You use guilt to get your partner to do something.

• You make your partner afraid of you, either through your size, your actions, or your words.

• You grab or use their phone without their consent.

• You share things about your partner that they don't want shared.

• You post private photos.

• You attempt to have sexual acts with them, regardless of how they're feeling or what they agreed to.

• You ask your dating partner to change how they dress for you.

• You ask your dating partner to stop seeing certain friends.

• You insult your dating partner.

• You yell at, curse at, intimidate, or insult your dating partner when you are angry.

• You become angry if your dating partner is spending time with others.

• You demand to know where your partner is at all times.

• You have expectations that girls should act one way (submissive, sexually available, quiet, doing chores, etc.) and boys should act another way (dominant, angry, sexual, don't help with "women's work")

NOTE: If any of these red flags are present in the relationship, it’s advised you speak with an advocate to get support around safety planning.

Power & Control

Dating violence is based on unequal power and control. The power and control wheel shows some common ways that having power over someone might look like.

When Your Friend is Abusing Their Partner

 When your friend is behaving abusively, it can be scary, uncomfortable, awkward, or otherwise upsetting. You might be wondering what you can do, or if you should do anything. The answer is you can and should do something!

 Firstly, follow your gut. If intervening feels like a safety risk for you, we encourage you to get yourself some support to deal with an unsafe friendship. You can get your own support from a safe and trusted adult, a youth advocate at Walnut Avenue, a CARE office at your university, or a guidance counselor or teacher at your school.

Sexual Violence

 The best way to prevent sexual violence is to practice good consent. 

Consent is F.R.I.E.S.

• F - FREELY GIVEN

• R - REVERSIBLE

• I - INFORMED

• E - ENTHUSIASTIC

• S - SPECIFIC

 For support around sexual violence outside of a dating relationship, please reach out to Monarch Services. 

 Being a Healthy Partner and Friend

Boundaries

• What are boundaries?

 Equality Wheel

Communicating Safely During Conflict

 Conflict happens in all relationships. Conflict is a normal and healthy relationship experience. What matters is how conflict is addressed! 

 Both partners can practice S.A.F.E. communication during a conflict to ensure that power stays shared during a conflict, and that one partner doesn’t try to overpower or control the other. S.A.F.E. communication ensures that both partners have an equal say, an equal voice, and both feel heard and safe. Follow these tips (from Safe Dates) to stay safe during conflict with your partner:

• S - Stay calm. (Use calming strategies to feel cool and collected.)

• A - Ask questions. Ask honest and open questions to better understand the situation. Don’t jump to conclusions. After listening to your dating partner’s answers, you may realize that the conflict was all a misunderstanding.

• F - Find out feelings. Find out how the other person feels about the situation that is causing the disagreement. 

  • Express your own feelings—be honest and specific, referring to the situation and what about it upsets you. 

  • Use “I” statements when expressing your feelings. Say: I feel _______ (an emotion) when you _______ (a specific action) because _______ (your reason for feeling like you do). 

  • For example, “I feel HURT when you LOOK AT YOUR PHONE CONSTANTLY WHEN WE’RE TOGETHER because THEN I THINK THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO BE WITH ME.”

• E - Exchange ideas for a possible solution. With all of this information, suggest possible solutions. Talk about which ones work best for the two of you.