TDVAM 2021: The Kids Are Not All Right
/“The kids are all right.”
From award-winning movies to popular chart-topping songs, the sentiment that “the kids are all right” has been a cliche repeated throughout generations. Teens have a perception placed on them that, because they’re young, life can’t be that bad. Just wait until you’re an adult. You have it so easy as a kid.
And yet, millions of children and teens in the United States alone experience dating violence at horrifying rates:
Nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experience physical abuse from a dating partner in a single year.
1 in 10 high school students has been purposefully hit, slapped or physically hurt by a dating partner
1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men who experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner, first experienced some form of dating violence between 11 and 17 years of age.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline reported the volume of calls they received increased by 9% compared to the same period in 2019 and showed 9% of the callers were under the age of 18 and 17% were age 19-24. New studies on teen dating violence has found that LGBTQ+ youth are at much greater risk of dating abuse than teens who aren’t queer: 43% of queer youth reported being victims of physical dating violence, compared to 29% of the general population. (This is specifically physical violence: it doesn’t include emotional, financial, or other forms of abuse.) Furthermore, African American and Black students (12%) are more likely to report being victimized by dating violence than white students (8%) by the US Department of Health and Human Services.
The differences in these statistics between demographics also demonstrate the link between systemic discrimination, which creates additional obstacles at personal, social, and political levels for people seeking support. Note that these statistics do not name any of the identities of the people causing harm, such as age, race or ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation, and that we need to be mindful of the assumptions we make about what kinds of people target whom.
So, are the kids really “all right”?
The reality is that, no, they are not. Youth voices and experiences are often silenced by those phrases every teen has heard:
You're too young to understand.
You’ll think differently when you’re older.
It’s just puppy love - you’ll get over it.
You don’t know what real hardship is.
And so when teens try to talk about their abusive relationships, they’re rarely taken seriously. Adults who ignore, make fun of, or dismiss their teen’s concerns will usually find that their teen will begin to lie, misrepresent, or simply remain silent. It’s a natural consequence: why would someone in that weird space between childhood and adulthood, when they’re expected to act like adults but are treated like children inconsistently, open themselves up to more invalidation by the adults in their life?
Unfortunately, many adults, parents, and guardians haven’t been given opportunities to learn healthy communication skills appropriate for their personal relationships with their children. Most have not been taught how to recognize the warning signs that someone may be abusive or that their child is experiencing dating violence.
Predicting the Legacy of COVID-19
As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to suppress our ways of life, it has been reported that teens and youths are experiencing the highest levels of depression, isolation, anxiety, and other mental health related conditions compared to other age groups. Youth have lost access to critical live-saving and supportive friend groups, social clubs, sports, and other outlets. In addition, online schooling is difficult and inequitable for youth with bad wifi, distracting home environments, or learning needs which can’t be accommodated by sitting at home. Youths in some homes act as the primary caregiver for younger siblings while a parent works or heals from COVID.
Youths and children experiencing family violence have no reprieve or space from their abusive families. For example, the trans youth who are isolated with transphobic family have lost access to other spaces that made them feel safe. Even though counties all across the US are seeing dramatic decreases in reports of child abuse, some as high as 60%, the reality is that it’s because children and youth no longer have contact with teachers, counselors, sports programs, and other adults who would be able to see the signs of violence happening at home.
The consequences of childhood abuse and neglect on a person’s development are well-documented, with the potential to last through a person’s lifespan and a possibility of becoming part of the cycle of violence on the next generation. It’s likely that our communities and families will be feeling the ripple effect from COVID-19 for years even when the immediate risk of infection finally passes.
That is why, this year, Walnut Avenue Family & Women’s Center has chosen the theme “The Kids Are Not All Right” for February’s Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month of 2021. Throughout this month, information will be shared to bring a sobering and much-needed spotlight to the reality of youth experiences long ignored under the assumption that hardship only comes with adulthood.
But there’s always hope.
These statistics are painful, but it’s not hopeless. Many youth programs are adapting their services online so that teens have an opportunity to share virtual space with other teens based on shared interests and personal identity. Teens themselves are leading incredible social media campaigns of their own regarding healthy and unhealthy relationships. Walnut Avenue also offers its own online teen group and one-on-one youth advocacy.
One of the best ways that adults can participate in supporting youth is taking advantage of educational opportunities on subjects like communication (such as the Nonviolent Communication curriculum, for example), conflict self-management (such as this one offered through the Conflict Resolution Center of Santa Cruz County), healthy boundary-setting, and how to recognize the warning signs of abuse. Knowing how to check our own kneejerk assumptions and our urge to lecture rather than listen goes a long way towards bridging the generational divide, building more open and trusting relationships with the children and youth (and adults!) in our lives. We encourage all of our adult community members to consider engaging with Walnut Avenue’s free education on a variety of matters related to healthy relationships with family, with friends, with community, and with self!
Additional ideas are available on our Awareness Months page here. You can also contact our main office or email us at info@wafwc.org.